Pastor Tom Johnson, September 10, 2023
Jesus’ words in Matthew 18 are about conflict in the church. His words are some of the most practical words in all his teaching ministry. I want St. Luke to be a Matthew 18 church. I want to be a Matthew 18 pastor. Jesus gives step by step instructions how to confront others when they sin against us. It’s genius. It works.
Ken Sande, the founder of peacemaking ministries says that conflict is like the 1970’s bumper sticker “crap happens.” Conflict happens. Why will it inevitably happen? Because the world is made up entirely of sinners. 8.1 billion sinners. So the church should have no conflict, right? Yes it should not. But we are both saints and simultaneously sinners. So conflict will happen right here at St. Luke even though. I still think you are a very lovely group of people. But here is the punchline Sande gives: “Every conflict is an opportunity to glorify God.”
Jesus tells us how to engage in conflict. No matter the outcome it will, in one way or another, bring glory to God and love to our neighbor. The ancient Celtic church had a name for such a person who relates to others as Jesus instructed: soul friend. Provers 18:24 says, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” .
Have you ever had a soul friend? We may have hurt this person. We may have betrayed this person. We may may have gossiped about or maligned this person. We may have embarrassed this person. We may have neglected this person. But though we sinned against them—in spite of it all—they still rise up to be our soul friend. Instead of embarrassing us back, gossiping, or maligning us, they prayerfully seek an opportunity to pull us aside and have a private word. They care about our reputation. They want to preserve our honor and dignity as a creature created in the image of God and as a fellow follower of Jesus. They protect us by keeping the conversation just between the two of us. No eavesdroppers. No one to report back to. Just the soul friend, you, and God know. Though they have been hurt, the soul friend does not let their pain kill their kindness. They know that hurt people hurt. They assume we are like all people—children of God but still wounded children—bearing the physical and emotional scars of a broken world. This is empathy—in their prayerful imagination, they put their foot into our shoe before they speak a word to us. Theirs is a heart of wisdom and kindness—the fruit of the Spirit. They want us to be the best version of ourselves.
When they tell you our fault—where we have gone wrong, it is not out of anger, retaliation, or resentment. It is because they care. We know it took courage and boldness. The tone of their voice, body language, and gentle approach tell us so. They have not come to win an argument against us. They have come to win us as a friend. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” Betrayal, the kiss of Judas. Faithful, the wounds of Christ. If we refuse to listen, a soul friend will not give up on us. It’s not just the things you may have said or done now that are of concern but our soul. So they must go to one or two other soul friends.
These soul friends are not there to take just one side—but all sides. They are not there to point out a winner and loser. They are there to make sure all sides win—to prayerfully win each other as soul friends of Jesus. If we refuse to listen to them, the stakes go higher because now it must go to the church. It is now not an isolated incident but one that could fester and poison the entire community. Christ calls us not to tolerate toxicity in his Church. If we are still unwilling to see how we could be wrong, or if we are incapable of the kind of self-reflection or self-awareness to see how we are poisoning the lives around us, Jesus instructs the soul friend to treat us as a Gentile and a tax-collector.
This is one of the great punchlines in Matthew’s Gospel. For who was Matthew before Jesus called him to be one of his disciples? A tax-collector. And what do tax-collectors and Gentiles have in common? They are for whom Christ died and rose again from the dead. And how did Jesus treat Gentiles and tax-collectors? Really well. Did he treat them with contempt and condemn them? No, he came to deliver them out of the slavery of sin. Remember that Jesus did not come to seek the righteous but sinners.
The soul friend must conclude that we have to go back to Christian preschool and learn about the love of Jesus and how to be a good friend to others. And do you know what every preschooler calls each other at St. Luke? Friend.
Jesus gives us a vision of what it is to have a soul friend. He also gives us each a vision of how to become a soul friend to others. Can you think of anyone in your life that you could be a soul friend to? Has someone ticked you off? Has someone slighted or snubbed you? I know it will be difficult to be a soul friend to Long Island drivers as they whiz past you at 85 miles per hour. But is there someone who needs your healing rebuke? Someone who needs you to pull them aside and help them see how sacred and how nurturing of a community that Christ has called us to be? It can’t always be the pastor. You may be it. The Holy Spirit may be tapping on your shoulder and whispering in your ear: “I’m calling you to be my agent of reconciliation, healing, and peace–to be a soul friend to others.”
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